Spuds McGee: A John Battagline Experience

Attack of Smarter Child

2005-07-18T12:06:00.000-07:00

BonerFang: leave me alone, robot brain
TVadd1ct91109: lol, I'm not a bot!
BonerFang: robot brain
TVadd1ct91109: lol, I'm not a bot!
BonerFang: fuck off! robot brain
TVadd1ct91109: lol, I'm not a bot!
BonerFang: ok, whoever wrote this..
TVadd1ct91109: lol yea
BonerFang: I don't mean to be judgemental
BonerFang but it still needs a lot of work
TVadd1ct91109: I'm megan
BonerFang: yeah
TVadd1ct91109: cool
BonerFang: it's not exactly convincing
TVadd1ct91109: You have been talking to a computer! One of your friends is reading the whole conversation and laughing it up right now! GET EVEN! Have the bot prank all your friends by visiting imprank.ebaumsworld(dot)com

Another...

2005-07-13T10:31:00.000-07:00

ok, so mickey and minnie are getting a divorce, and they are in the court room with the judge. the judge looks over at mickey, and says to him, "mickey, it says here that you said minnie was crazy, you cannot divorce her if she is legally insane" mickey turns red, and angrily stand ups. "I DIDNT SAY SHE WAS CRAZY, I SAID SHE WAS FUCKING GOOFY!"

By Hannah

2005-07-13T10:26:00.000-07:00

A British Man, a French man, and an American man are on a safari in Africa, and they are taken prisoner by a savage group of villagers. As they're being brought to the village, they are told that death was their only option, however, they each had their choice of the method they would use to kill themselves. The British man requested a pistol, and cried out "Long live the queen!" as he blew his brains out. The two others watched in horror as the savages flayed the man and made his skin into a canoe. The French man was next, and he requested a Saber. "Vive le France" was what he cried out as he disemboweled himself. The American guy watched again what they did with his body, as they made his skin into a canoe. The last guy, the American guy requested a fork in which to kill himself. As soon as it was handed to him, he started stabbing himself violently as he screamed "So much for your fucking canoe!"

Funnay as hell

2005-07-10T03:01:00.000-07:00

Where'd I get this?...well, I actually ripped it off of some dude's proflie in myspace. I just thought it was a uniquely pitiful example of the true depths to that which the human spirit can sink. And kinda funny.

"Careful of those who are latently two faced (seems the majority of people are). Most people I have observed proceed solely on a selfish foundation. All too often when they have a "good heart" flaunting on their sleeve... rarely does it fail when true colors emerge as their motivations are not fulfilled. Camouflaged with a deceitful smile... hyenas feed their hunger of malicious & sadistic laughter by meticulously aiming to inflict damage. I consider very few people as friends, surrounding myself with those who know where they come from & are genuinely humble regardless of their background. I barricade myself with past experience and cynicism. "

When...

2005-07-08T00:32:00.000-07:00

When I wake up tomorrow,
I will be like fucking Jesus.
Everyone will love me
'Cuz I'll be turning water into malt-liquor.

When I wake up tomorrow,
I'll be like fucking Godzilla.
I will be the master of the universe,
And crush entire cities beneath my bipedal claw-feet.

When I wake up tomorrow,
I'll be like fucking Sex-Nazi.
Women will find me irrisitable,
Or else--I'll send them to the showers!

When I wake up tomorrow...
Oh, when I finally stir myself from slumber,
It's going to be such a pain in the ass
To drag myself out of bed.

I don't exactly know what to make out of this one...

2005-07-07T14:03:00.000-07:00

BonerFang: wanna cyber?
BonerFang: I remove from my pocket three items.
BonerFang: a candle, a wrist watch, and a bar of chocolate.
BonerFang: suddenly, the door bursts open...
BonerFang: a blast of lightning blinds us, as its lumniescence radiates through the window.
BonerFang: after several moments of blindly rubbing my eyes, my vision began to clear
BonerFang: "no..." I whispered to myself. "It can't be!"
BonerFang: "But it is," the person at the door then said back to me, through the rainy gloom of my house's threshold. "And I've come to finish off what I started--sixteen years ago!"

BonerFang: The persons voice was like thunder, louder than the lightning that blasted outside the doorway.
BonerFang: For a moment, I had mistaken it for a man's, but as my eyes pried through the darkness, I managed a faint glimpse of the person before me.

BonerFang: "You recall who I am?" the flat, guttural voice inquired. "It was your very hand that did this to me!"
BonerFang: And that is when I noticed that the person before me was no man. No! not in any tradional sense of the word!

BonerFang: 'He' stepped closer, and I could see it. I could hear my malevolent deed reverberate through the air with every clomping of his heavy footfalls.
BonerFang: The sound was terrible, like the marching of an army to war, but I endured it...barely. To the best of my ability, I stood my ground, until his shadowy form came that much closer to my own.

BonerFang: "Clump...Clump Clump...Clump...Clump Clump"
BonerFang: That noise! I screamed from within, but dared not utter a word. I collapsed upon the hardwood floor, feeling around through the darkness for something--anything, any weapon or makeshift instrument of death that I could use for self-defense--but found non. The sweat was billowing off my form, and my hand slipped against the cold ground. Sliding backwards, I began to cry.
BonerFang: "Murderer! Leave me alone!"

BonerFang: And that is when it happened, the lightning struck one last time
BonerFang: BOOM!
BonerFang: All the room was filled with light, and I could see him. Impossible! How the poor wretch of a half-man had cheated death...

BonerFang: "Look at me!" he roared, his tremendous voice filling my awareness.
BonerFang: And I did. What I saw was incredible, for below the man's waiste was no man at all. But the headless, body of a horse. Feet clampering back and forth with painful indignation, as if they could hardly wait to crush me beneath their tremenous weight
BonerFang: haha...ok...I'm done...

Enter to a world of boredom

2005-07-06T10:09:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning, in the usual haze of delerium. My eyes were glossy, and my mind had not yet rid itself of those effervescent thought processes that plague me so in the early day. Ideas came, then went. Nothing coherent in the least, and it was several, long minutes of staring at the stark-white ceiling of my bedroom before I even realized that I wasn't still asleep.

Grudgingly, I pried myself from bed. Went upstairs to begin today with a Diet Mountain Dew (TM) from the beer fridge. Caffeine owns me, and the scars from its painful lashings feel all-the-more prominent, burn just that much more bitterly, when it has been nearly 8 hours since I last consumed its delicious, chemical greatness. I pulled the can from the box, glanced at the label: it was different, and not the same can label that I had remembered from prior beverage experiences. It looked like a can of generic "Kroger-Brand-Mountain-Dew-(TM)-Wanna-Be-Bullshit-For-Your-Money-But-You-Buy-It-Anyway-Because-It-Only-Costs-Three-Cents."

I began to wonder if the people who designed and marketed this new can were aware of what I now realized, that the new design looked worse than the old one. But, resigning myself to the notion that beuty is in the eye of the beholder, and that the people at the Mountain Dew (TM) marketing plant [or whatever] probably know what they're doing, because they don't live with their brother at age 20, I expunged such fruitless thoughts from my consciousness, and simply continued looking at the can. It read, "Same Dew, New View."

I dwelled on this, as I opened my can of citric, fruit-juice wanna-be. Essentially, it's label was an advertisement. It was telling all those who read it that it was the same. No different from before. It had merely tricked your eye to glancing upon its cyllindrical shape with its feigned novelty. In a sense, it was new. But only externally. That seems to be the only place that ever gets changed on, well...anything.

Space Sci Fi Game Adventure